I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I have a type: disappointing
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet