Introverted vegans go meetless
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus