I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Yes my dude
Its true…
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
FINE, I WON’T.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.