Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.