Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Finally!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.