*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
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No regrets in 2018
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Love it! 👍😂
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”