[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Best mom ever 😂
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down