*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
#FunnyLife Insects
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”