Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.