Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
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universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths