[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Twitter fine art
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı