Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The symmetry is uncanny.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.