[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
When someone trying to leave me
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
saw this in a dream
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy