Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
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Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
the greatest twitter interaction
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point