Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago