Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
You Might Also Like
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Always 🥴
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Spring cleaning checklist…
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
uh oh
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.