Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
scared to check what name she chose
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.