When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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shit just got real
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Sounds about right! 💯
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ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT