This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
You Might Also Like
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs