[commercial for IKEA]
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
also my go-to takeaway order
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1