[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
😅😅😅
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.