it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
☺️
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Anyone want a chair?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
never deleting this app.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?