7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
You Might Also Like
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.