It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
You Might Also Like
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.