My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I think I’ll stand
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
That’s classic.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.