Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
What an awful time to have common sense.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber