Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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you gotta be faster
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.