They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.