best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
This was the best day of my life