Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
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*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.