[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
wow
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay