Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there