Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.