Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Awwwww shit.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?