I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.