I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.