Jupiter
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Social Media and Real life
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.