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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe