These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
You Might Also Like
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.