Every damn time
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire