Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
More like Kate Missington.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work