[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children