The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The Others (2001)
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I cannot call her anything else now
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.