I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?