Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.