Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.