[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
The hardest thing Vision has to do
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.