Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You Might Also Like
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Girl, same.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.