date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…