Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.